They say when you meet 'the one' you know. If that is the case I think I might have met mine 30 years ago.
What you see with me isn't what you get. I've come to the conclusion that as a species humans have different versions of themselves, depending on the situation that we're in. The person people see is not my real self, it's someone I've made to protect myself & I've got so good at playing her when the shy, almost frightened me appears it comes as a bit of a shock.
I was at college, 16 going on 17 & thought I was so grown up, I came across him through his job, he was my first proper grown up crush. I spent my college years waiting to see him hoping he would notice me.
Leap forward 20 odd years later & our paths cross again. This time I spent my time trying to avoid him, head down not making eye contact frightened that he would somehow know about the teenage me.
It's turns out all that waiting around as a teenager wasn't wasted. We started talking, we ended up flirting, we ended up swopping numbers. He could remember me as a teenager going to college he did notice me after all.
This isn't however about me & him. This is all about me, the real me and about how I've had to face my fears.
We all have bits of ourselves that we don't like. To other people I always say if they don't like what they see I don't let it worry me but what happens when they like the bit of ourselves that we don't?
I tried the running & hiding thing but I realised that I was fooling myself & I would have to 'fess up' to him.
I recently had one last attempt, if that didn't work then that was it. The hardest thing to do was delete our text conversations but it's done & I finally decided it's time to stop chasing the dream. Does he really like me, I think he does but I'm not going to waste my time on people that waste mine.
The real me stood her ground & wasn't going to let herself be compromised or hurt far worse than I was already. I proved to myself that I can face up to my fears & that I will make it out the side. Now its time for someone else to face theirs, when they do I'll be there to listen but I hope he realises I'm won't be the person I once was.
